The 2011 Billerica Boys Varsity Soccer Team

On a typically cold autumn night, the 2011 Billerica Boys Varsity Soccer Team prepared for what most thought would be the most important game of the season.  The winner of this under-the-lights clash against rival Chelmsford would all but lock up the Merrimack Valley Championship.  The boys played hard, but ended the night in a hard-fought, yet frustrating 0-0 tie.  Little did these boys realize that their season was only just beginning. 
A few non-conference games later, the conference was decided.  Billerica fell short.  However, their regular season was successful enough that they earned a home game in the preliminary round of the MIAA state tournament.  These boys had an opportunity to do something that Billerica Soccer has not accomplished for an extremely long time: win a state tournament game on our home turf.  And the boys did just that by defeating Cambridge 1-0.  It is a memory that many an alumni have not experienced.  There was no MVC title this year, but a Joe Hill goal and a hell of an effort by everyone else earned them this incredibly special memory.
Next came a game on foreign turf.  The upstart indians were headed into the city to take on the overall number one seed in the tournament: Brighton.  Let us not forget that Billerica boys were the 16th seed in the tournament, and for any of you that follow NCAA's March Madness basketball tournament, 16 seeds just don't beat number 1 seeds.  Well, this 16 seed beat "#1" by a score of 1-0.  With an early goal off of a Graham Hughes free kick, smothering defense, and a few huge saves by Ryan Santarpio, the big yellow bus that headed back to Billerica was a loud one that night.

Two days later, the boys took their travelling victory circus to Peabody.  Yes, Peabody, who already defeated the boys this season on senior day.  Peabody probably thought they were spoiling our post game senior celebration that Saturday.  Little did they know Billerica was about to spoil their whole season.  With goals that included a Wayne Rooney-like blast by Chris Sanchez, and once again, that trademark frustrating defense by all ten field players and a few more clutch Santarpio saves, it was free pizza and victory car horns the whole way home.

So now the pressure's off, right?  North State Semifinals at Lynn's Manning Field-Billerica's just happy to be here, right?  Nope.  The legs are sore but the hearts wanted more.  The memories are already countless, but now these kids smelled the prize.  They wanted a trophy...a big one.  Each time they won, all they wanted next was to win again.  Bring on Chelsea, another team from the city who had no idea how to handle the desire, and style of play that Billerica brought to the field.  The final score was Billerica 4 and Chelsea 2.  You read that correctly: the boys pumped in 4 goals in the Massachusetts State Semifinals.  How bad did they want this?  That bad.

North State Finals: Billerica versus Masconomet.  What's that?  You've never heard of the town of Masconomet?  That's because it's not a town, it's a regional high school that services several towns.  Nice talent pool.  I'm just saying...

First half: 0-0.

Second half: Masconomet strikes first.  This is the first time in the whole tournament that Billerica trailed at any point.  They were suddenly in unfamiliar territory.  Were the boys scared?  frustrated?  giving up?  Nah, they scored just minutes later to tie it up.  And then they scored again to take the lead.  And yes, Masconomet tied it up.  Onto overtime.  While the boys remained confident and their desire stronger than ever, one thing was evident.  Fatigue was finally setting in.  Billerica's home game against Cambridge was in the preliminary round.  Masconomet, however, had a bye.  In other words, Billerica played one more game than Masconomet.  Finally, desire fell short.  With 30 seconds remaining in the first overtime, Masconomet scored the golden goal.  The Indians were exhausted, sore, and in pain.  "I can barely feel my legs" one out of breath defender wearily said.  That says it all.

So the 16 seed fell one goal short of becoming North State Finals Champions.  But the 2011 Billerica Boys Varsity Soccer team did more than finally win a home game in the tournament.  They shocked the state.  They made the top seeds cry.  They frustrated superstars.  They made opposing coaches scream.  They ruined perfect seasons.  They were 2011's version of the 1980 USA Olympic Hockey Team, right?  Wrong.  Here's the difference:  if you remember, when the USA team defeated the Soviet Union, the call was "do you believe in miracles?"  But this soccer team  from Billerica was not a miracle, and they certainly were not a fluke.  They were a damn good soccer team who earned everything they achieved.  And when they were finally taken down, they went down like champions, leaving blood, sweat, tears...everything, on the field.  They had nothing left but brand new memories that few of us will ever experience.  Congratulations, boys.

Hi Everybody!

I think that if you have to say "to make a long story short..." two or more times during your story, you have failed in your attempt to make the long story short.

Last week, I saw a car on the side of the highway with a completely flat tire.  The man outside of the car had on a t-shirt that said MAKE YOUR OWN LUCK! in huge letters.  I smiled my biggest smile of the day upon seeing this situation.

I think nursing homes should expand on their weekly activities.  Rather than bingo nights, how about Truth or Dare Friday Nights? 

When people laugh after they say something that is not funny at all, I am always at a loss for what to do next.

I think we are at a point where something needs to take the place of "the weather" during times of alleviating awkward silences.  If people play the weather card on me in place of silence these days, I tend to shut them down.
Them: "This rain is crazy huh?  I think it's supposed to rain until Wednesday.  I just want the fall haha..."
Me: "Yeah I don't know."

Standing still, not walking, on a moving sidewalk has got to be the ultimate in laziness.  A close second would be remote controls for car stereos, followed by riding in a golf cart on a par-3 course.

I'm watching a college football game and I'm wondering to myself: aside from 4 or 5 teams that have a real chance to win the championship, what the hell is the point of ANY of these games?  Pitt just went three-and-out versus Notre Dame.  Does it matter at all???????  It really, really does not.  So dumb.

The Cinnamon Crunch bagel from Panera makes me happy on weekend mornings.  I think it should be served on Christmas and Easter mornings every year.  If I remember, I may start this tradition within my family.

If you are ever in the area, Prime Steakhouse in Ogunquit Maine is an excellent place to eat.  It's right outside of Perkin's Cove.  The decor is refreshingly modern, yet warm at the same time.  The food is excellent.  Paulie's onion strings are addicting.  The steaks come with your choice of sauce on the side.  The garlic butter and the Prime steak sauce are the perfect accompaniment to the tender and flavorful meats.  And if you need seafood because, after all, you're in Maine, they have a wonderful haddock with whole lobster meat as a topper.  I hope I get the chance to get up to Prime this fall.
mmmmmm Prime...

Two Opinions on "The Mission"

I am not a political expert, and I am certainly not an expert on war.  And there are thousands of people out there who are far better equipped than me to speak on the heroic events that occurred in Pakistan a few weeks ago.  But with the Internet as a sounding-off board for anybody and everybody, the stupidity of some is highlighted during times like these.  I believe that if you truly do not understand something, or are misinformed about something, then you probably shouldn't speak about it. It would not be fair of me as a teacher, coach, and casual blogger to amplify any polarizing views about a topic like this.  The magnitude of September 11th and the consequent murder of its architect cannot be understated, and the majority of the world knows this.  But I have two small opinions that I keep coming back to about the Soldiers and the President, and I'd like to finally type them out.  Nothing too intense, and definitely not anything that I consider polarizing.  And if in some twisted way these opinions offend anyone, well...I can't help you.

Opinion #1: Team 6 is beyond skilled and beyond talented.  I am so thankful that these human beings made the career choices that they made.  Believe me, I am also thankful for those that took their smarts to great colleges and universities to become life-saving doctors.  But, these soldiers probably could have gone that route too.  Instead, they became death-defying Navy Seals who ended the life of a man who wanted September 11th catastrophes to occur on our soil on a daily basis.  If by some chance you're a Navy Seal, or anybody else that truly defends our country, thank you so much.  In American Society, it sometimes appears like we only stop to think about your bravery during newscasts or before sporting events.  You deserve so much more appreciation than that.  But the truth is, you make us feel free and safe every single day, and that's an incredible feeling to have. 

Opinion #2: Many people feel that the timing of this mission was purposely lined up to spark Obama's re-election campaign next year.  If this is what gets Obama re-elected next year, that's fine with me.  This man just approved arguably the most risky, yet successful military operation in modern American military history.  That has to count for something.  Let's argue about health care some other time.

THE SAD TALE OF THE STICKY CHIPMUNK

Hi Everyone,

I have come to realize that blogging is a higher priority for me in the dead of winter than it is right now.  The days are shorter, it's colder, it's not Christmas, it's not spring.  It's like weather purgatory.  To be quite honest, now I'm just plain antsy-waiting for summer.  I try to force the summer to begin.  I'll roll my windows down and pretend like I'm not cold.  I'll listen to hip-hop music which I normally don't do until it's hot outside for some reason. And then we get teased by a gorgeous day only to have the next three days be uncomfortably cold.  It's like Mother Nature's saying "ah, ah, ah, New England. Don't even THINK about going to the beach yet."  And God forbid I go golfing.  But come to think of it, even if the weather was consistently nice at this point, I've been way too busy to set aside some time to whack some balls around.

If I'm not at track practice, I'm busy finishing up my Master's degree.  These two things will finish up fairly soon, so then I can dedicate more time to my yard.  Still not a lot of time to golf, though.  I think I need one 80 degree Saturday with a great cookout.  Then I will coronate the Summer of 2011.

But back to my yard-so many chipmunk holes!  They make it hard to have a really nice yard.  It's such a dilemma for me.  Do I exterminate them and leave thousands of dead chipmunks underground?  Heck no!  They are too damn cute.  I can't stay mad at them!  It's like a sick-cycle relationship where your girlfriend is ridiculously hot but keeps pissing you off.  But then she cries and says she's sorry and you forgive her, stay with her, and continue to let her be hot.  I want to kill all the chipmunks, but then I'll have a peaceful moment with one of them where we both just stop in our tracks, smile at each other, put aside our differences "this is so us", realize we both have homes on this plot of land, and move on.

I had my most emotional chipmunk experience last summer when I was cleaning my garage with the door open.  We had a small mouse problem and I had a few of those sticky-tray-mouse-traps in the corners of the garage.  As I was cleaning the garage fridge, I heard a faint shuffling-type sound.  I looked up and saw a chipmunk completely stuck in the sticky tray!  He was desperately trying to escape the tray but he was literally pulling his skin off the bone in the process.  It was so bad that If I yanked the poor thing off of the tray his legs would have ripped off.  He stared at me with a look of clinging-to-life desperation, begging for help.  I didn't know how to save him.  I tried to comfort him with my words, but that was going nowhere.  He continued to yank himself uncontrollably and equally unsuccessfully.  Finally, I transported the tray to the back yard.  I had to "unsticky" the sticky tray.  So, I sprayed my garden hose forcefully on the tray.  The chipmunk understood the plan.  Whenever I sprayed, he pulled.  Now, of course, little Alvin is completely soaked, yet still stuck on the ultra-sticky tray.  I'm telling you, this thing was like Gorilla Glue sticky.  I couldn't get the kid free from the literal death grip of the tray.  His little leg bones were completely exposed at this point.  I had to put him out of his misery.  I placed him in the woods to let the circle of life take its natural course.  I'm like the anti-David Seville.  That guy literally adopted  chipmunks and here I am drowning one on a mouse trap like some sick pre-death ritual!  I struggled with this decision for days but then I realized that my yard is infested with thousands of theses little cuties.  If only one of them perished because of me, that's not such a bad ratio. R.I.P. Alvin.

WHAT WOULD YOUR T-SHIRT SAY?

The topic for Tyra Banks' show today: "Is Gay the New Black?"  No joke.  Then they showed the audience.  All the gay folks are on one side wearing purple t-shirts that say "GAY" on them.  And all the straights, of course, are on the other side wearing blue t-shirts that say "STRAIGHT".  It's like a pep rally or something.  Is sexuality a sport?  And what happened to not labelling people?  I'm sure there's a reason for it, and I'm sure the reason involves being proud of who you are or something, but still.  I realize this was only one episode of Tyra, but imagine if we all wore t-shirts that labeled us?  What would your t-shirt say?  I hope mine wouldn't say "ASSHOLE" or "BAD GAS TODAY".  I'd rather it say something like "KIND OF SMART" or "SPORTS FAN" or "USUALLY HUNGRY" or "SOMEWHAT AMBITIOUS".





And now for Four thoughts on the Four major sports:

The Bruins play game 4 tonight against Montreal.  Whoever wins this game wins the series.  It's an obvious statement to make for Montreal, because they would be up 3 games to 1.  But if Boston wins, you have momentum, a tied series, and you're coming home.  Huge.  I also think Lucic needs to beat someone up severely to the point where Montreal Police open up an investigation on him.  Get mad, Milan!  What the hell are you preserving yourself for??  It's now or never!  This would do wonders for the mentality of the Bruins.

Who's the better option at catcher for the Red Sox? Varitek or Saltalamacchia?  They are hitting a combined .143.  Francona has to decide between one of these two schlubs every night!  This is like saying "hmmm what car should I buy?  The 1998 Lexus with 180,000 miles on it?  Or the new Prius?  The Lexus is cooler, but it could need a new transmission any day now.  The Prius is embarrassing and boring to drive, but it gets good gas mileage and will probably last longer."  I'll take the Prius a.k.a. Jarrod Saltalamacchia!  I bet Heidi Watney chooses the Lexus...just saying.
The point is, both cars suck, but you have to get to work somehow...

I can't WAIT for the NFL draft.  I'm even debating going to Gillette Stadium for a Patriots Draft Party.    What's wrong with me?  If you're a true football fan, by the way, check out Jon Gruden's QB Camp on ESPN.  Very informative and interesting.  It's cool to see Gruden make fun of these future multi-millionaires on national t.v. and bring them back down to earth.  Watch him make potential #1 pick Cam Newton look like an absolute fool: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GqGLPh9PoY

So glad the Pats have Brady.

Incredibly Important Information

I wonder if there are more horses or snakes in the world?   Probably snakes.  Horses are so big.

Jay Leno makes me uncomfortable when he interviews people.  It's a very stressful way to end the night.  I don't need that kind of pressure before I fall asleep.  This is why I never watch him.  Conan interviewed Russell Brand last night and it was one of the funnier (laugh out loud funny) interviews I've seen in a long time.

The NFL Draft has quietly become one of my favorite sporting events.  I know there is no athletic contest occurring here, but it feels like a sport to me.

It's been a long time since I've loved a new movie.  Come to think of it, I haven't really even wanted to SEE a new movie for a long time.  But I will say that the movie Sideways (Paul Giamatti) is one of my newer favorites even though it's been out for 10 years or so.  Paul Giamatti is an excellent actor.  From Sideways,to John Adams, to Fred Claus, he does it all.  Pretty amazing for a fairly ugly dude.

One of my coworkers definitely looked like a feminine pirate today.

I think it would be funny if the poem "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost was quietly narrated by a snobby old man.  Then, when it ends, "Here I Go Again on My Own" by Whitesnake plays loudly.

One of my goals for the summer is to get in better shape.  I'd like to feel comfortable wearing horizontal stripes again.

Would you rather be a swimming bird or a flying dolphin?  For me, the choice is clear...


Shaq probably shouldn't be the oldest guy in the NBA.  His body is abnormally huge.  His legs are like rotting oak trees.  And I've never seen or heard about a professional athlete making more public appearances than Shaq.  I'm going to ask him to come to a cookout at my house this summer.  Ray Allen looks more like the guy who should play until he's 40.  He eats grilled chicken, rice, green veggies, and chocolate before every home game.  Fact.

Barack Obama just announced that he's running for re-election.  Thanks for ending the suspense, Barack!

I hate how there's always one person that yells out "present" instead of "here" when attendance is being taken.  You might as well yell out "yes, I'm a dickhead" instead.

I find that some people look like muppets.  I hope nobody thinks I look like a muppet...



...unless, of course, it's Rolph the handsome, piano-playing dog muppet!


Barry Bonds' defense team has rested their case without calling ONE single witness to the stand.  Is this common???  Sounds cocky to me.

If someone tells you that your best feature is your personality, you probably aren't very attractive.



And now a few thoughts on baseball:

The first name of the #3 hitter in the Indian's lineup is Asdrubal.  The #4 hitter's name? Shin-Soo.  Is this a sign of the times?  Or do these guys just have mean parents?

How many games in a row does Boston have to lose before it's ok to call them the Red Sux?

"Great to see J.D. Drew in mid season form, really digging in."-great sarcasm from Mike Felger.  J.D. is an awful baseball player  However, people say he's a good guy.  So that's nice.

The Red Sox are currently 0 and 4.  Texas, I understand.  But Cleveland??  I'm glad we spent December, January, February, and March perfecting our rotation! I  know it's early, but why did we re-sign Beckett and why did we sign Lackey?  Most fans thought the Lackey signing was strange at the time, now most fans think it was strange AND bad.  Dice-K pitches tonight...speaking of bad signings...

Another thing on Theo Epstein's moves:
I know we have a great farm system, but is Theo really that special?  If the Sox didn't pull off a miracle comeback in the 2004 ALCS, in other words, if Dave Roberts got caught stealing, we certainly wouldn't have praised him for the Nomar deal.  And when we won in '07, it was largely due to Josh Beckett and playoff MVP Mike Lowell.  People forget that the trade that brought those guys here wasn't even made by Theo.  He wasn't part of the organization when his understudies pulled the trigger on the deal.  Ok, so  Theo signed Big Papi before Big Papi was Big Papi.  He was just David Ortiz from the Twins-amazing signing.  But if you add up the annual salaries of Renteria, Lugo, Lackey, and Drew during their tenures in Boston (over 49 million), they earn more than the entire player payrolls of the 2010 Padres (37 million) and the 2010 Pirates (34 million).  That's not money well spent, Theo.

Guess Who's Pregnant??!!

I have no idea who's pregnant.  I'm sure a lot of people are pregnant.  But in this case, I just wanted a blog title that got people's attention.  If I finish my 467 page research paper, I will post more frequently.  In the meantime, here are some random thoughts...

One of my first blog entries was about severely overrated famous people.  In this article, I referenced Randy Jackson.  I really gave him the business (not like that....).  I talked about how he offers no useful information to the contestants on Idol.  But I have to say, Randy is really bringing it this season.  Thoughtful comments, not afraid to be negative, and forming real, coherent sentences.  Way to step it up, dawg!

At the same time, Steven Tyler is a little disappointing.  And I love Steven Tyler and Aerosmith too.  But I'm a little sick of "that was beautiful.  That's all I can say.  Beautiful." Or...

Seacrest: "Let's hear what the judges had to say.  Steven?"
Tyler:  "Twiddle dee dee one two three!!! yikikikikiKOW!"
Seacrest: Great.  Jennifer?

But the ratings are high and the kids love Tyler.  So who am I to judge a judge?

Speaking of judges, has anyone ever watched Judge Judy?  Such a bitch.  She goes into every trial angry.  She should get a massage before she goes out there.  Why would anyone ever agree to settle their differences with this old bag?  I can't imagine the plaintiff and the defendant agreeing to fore go regular small-claims court, opting instead to get belittled on national TV by an elderly lady with a permanent stick up her wrinkled ass.  Sounds like a plan. 

I don't like pot luck dinners.  Pot luck contributors fall into one of two categories.  There's the show-off who tries to make something creative like a spicy buffalo egg salad, and there's the lazy pot-lucker who brings plastic spoons.  Why can't people just fall in the middle and bring a moist brownie or a flavorful meatball?  Hell, just stop at MacDonald's and bring a hundred chicken mcnuggets.  At least we know what we're getting...or do we??

I have to give Obama credit for mastering the no-look teleprompter thing.  He manages to read the screen and gaze around the room at the same time.  This is a necessary skill for a modern-day president and Barack is crushing it.  Bro-bama also did pretty well in his March Madness bracket.  Where does he find the time??  Glad he's focusing on the major issues.  Barack can pretty much predict who makes it into the sweet sixteen in the tournament but he can't snipe Gaddafi.  Terrific.

Speaking of the devil, Muammar Gaddafi changes the spelling of his name more than Puff Daddy P Diddy Dirty Money Sean Combs!  Gaddafi is almost un-google-able!  Well played, Muammar.  Well played.

On a serious note, I understand the need for intervention, but how many different places can our military occupy at once before we become significantly weakened as a whole?  Divide and conquer?  I hope we never find out...

Isn't there something hypocritical about recycling cigarette cartons?  "Save the environment but kill those around you" is what that says to me.

Having a lot of trouble getting stuck in conversations I don't want to be in lately.  I try to get out.  Sometimes I'll stare at my laptop intently, faking a deep thought as I open my mouth and wrinkle my eyebrows as the talker pleads for feedback.  If I'm standing, I'll do the whole arm-swinging-snap-clap thing as I slowly back pedal away from the talker.  I need to stop appearing so welcoming to others.  My mother traps me in her verbal web quite often.  75% of the time she has relevant thoughts.  Luckily, I know her well enough where I can call her out on the other 25 % and put a stop to her inane ramblings.  Incidentally, I'd be nothing without my mother and I love her endlessly.

Has anyone seen Minute to Win It?  Reality TV/Game shows have gotten to the point where they are giving out millions of dollars to people for stacking empty coke bottles on top of each other.  The craziest part?  The ratings are tremendous.  Seemingly normal people tune in to this show and get stressed out while watching from their own couch.  What a country.  Imagine the guy that pitched this show to NBC.  "Got an idea for a show.  All you need are some quarters, some empty bottles, a ping pong ball, some string, and Guy Fieri."  Genius.  Millionaire.

And lastly, Mike and Molly.  Congratulations, CBS.  You just made every disgruntled overweight person feel good about themselves.  I get the premise-you're both big, proud, you're in love, and you don't care what others think.  Let's celebrate who we are!  I tuned in for about 2 minutes the other day and sure enough, the curvy couple was in a grocery store making a joke about buying a lot of food............because they're big...get it???  Move over, Roseanne!  CBS President Les Moonves must be thinking "Who needs Charlie Sheen anyway?  We have Mike and Molly!"  Two and a Half Men has turned into Two and a Half Tons.  Good work, CBS. At least we still have Letterman.

Coming soon: more music for you to enjoy.

A LITTLE LOVE FOR THE UNDERDOG...

I'm always amazed at the NCAA basketball tournament.  Every year when the big bracket comes out, there are at least 2 colleges that I've never heard of.  St. Martha's School for the Deaf, University of Phoenix, and several community colleges could make it into the big dance and it wouldn't surprise me anymore.  But the thing is, these little engines-that-could enamor me.  This is probably why I never win these pools (except for once).  I talk myself into picking a Holy Cross over a Kansas for example.  I've never picked an overall #1 seed to win the whole thing.  Oh Well.  I think it's more enjoyable to root for the historical upset then to simply witness what's always expected.  "Yesss!  Duke beat Rutgers!  I called it!"  Great call.  Good for you, Nostradamus!  I find that to be boring...I don't know.  I know it's about winning some cash so I understand picking favorites, and obviously I pick some favorites too.  But I always try to sprinkle in some underdog wins.  It's more fun that way.
In fact, I often support the underdog.  Unless it's a New England sports team (who, by the way, had always been considered perennial underdogs until the last decade-except for the Celtics), or The United States, I almost always back the "dog".  The underdog needs a voice.  They need someone in their corner.  They need someone to believe in them.
Some examples:
I think John Adams was underrated.  He served one term and George W. Bush served two.  Doesn't seem right.
Troy Brown is the most valuable wide receiver to come out of Marshall-not Randy Moss.
My favorite Disney character is Pluto...it's not even close.
I drank Pepsi for a long time just because Coke was a bigger company.
I picked Gonzaga to win the whole thing at least twice.  Never again, by the way.
Patriots over Rams= life changing experience for me.
I rooted for Elway's Broncos to beat the Packers in one Super Bowl, then I rooted for The Falcons to beat Elway's Broncos the very next year.
I drove a Jeep Wrangler for years.  I don't know if this fits, but it somehow seems appropriate.
Jordan and Joey got all the attention, but I was a Donnie fan. 
Aerosmith-better than The Stones.  No contest.
I rooted for Juno to win Best Picture.
If you put Carrabbas' food in some tiny cellar in the North End and called it "Guiseppe's Italiano" or something, Italian food connoisseurs would rave about it.
Brady WAS the prototype for the underdog.  And we know my feelings on #12.
I strongly oppose Brazil in the World Cup.
I'm happy for Micky Ward.
I try to enjoy all the "other" songs on the album-not just the ones on the radio.
I like Ft. Lauderdale more than Miami.
I hope Tiger Woods wins again, now that he sucks.
You get the point....

A few other exceptions:  I will NEVER root for the Montreal Canadiens, Cowboys, Yankees, Lakers, Lebron, or Peyton Manning (even though I respect his talent).  And I was in physical pain watching the Steelers and the Jets in the AFC Championship this year.

Enjoy March Madness and don't forget about the Dog!

CHARLIE BIEBER

I've been busy lately.  Sorry about the lack of blog material.  Or, you're welcome-depending on your feelings about the blog.  There have been some pretty large, in-your-face topics going on in America (Sheen, Bieber's hair) and the world (Egypt, Libya) in general lately.  I think my stance on these things as a newer blogger is that I won't have a stance.  There are plenty of people on the internet who are smarter and funnier than a piss ant like me so they can write about that stuff.  Alright fine-I'll share one thought on Sheen because I think about it every day now.  Can we please set something up that features Sheen and Bieber together?  We could call it Sheeber.  I mean, could anything currently top that??  The media coverage alone would be earth-shattering.  That's the closest we will every get to one mega-star named Charlie Bieber-a perfect haired, tiger-blooded winner with an angelic voice who sings and dances while snorting coke off of porn stars on a stage in front of thousands of children in a different city every night.  Mind blowing.  But since Charlie Bieber is not possible, can we at least get them in the same room for a few hours? 



A few more tiny thoughts:

Look at your keyboard.  Isn't it amazing how one little typing error could turn Lady Gaga into Lady Haha?  The G and the H...so close to each other.

I think households, hotels, basically anywhere that has a bathroom should think long and hard about where they place the toilet paper dispenser.  Here's a tip:  most people are right-handed.  Here's another tip:  we don't like to twist and turn on the seat to rip off the toilet paper.  I NEED you, toilet paper.  I'm at your mercy.  But don't make it so hard for me to achieve cleanliness.  And by the way-if you don't have at least 2-ply bathroom tissue at this point, it's time.

How come Dunkin Donuts rarely tells you the cost of your order at the drive thru speaker?  It leaves me no time to have exact change ready by the time I get to the window.  And speaking of coffee, don't use Splenda anymore.  Apparently it's not good for you.  All this time I thought I was making my coffee healthier but in reality I was probably just shaving days off of my life.

Good Night Everybody!

MUSIC FOR YOU TO ENJOY: VOLUME 4

Welcome back to Music For You To Enjoy.  In an effort to show that I truly am reaching out to all people and all genres of music, we're going to explore an area that most people either love or hate: country.  The way I see it, there are 5 different schools of thought when it comes to country music:

1.) The Grandparent:  "Taylor Swift ain't country.  Merle Haggard, now THAT'S country.  Slide guitars and heart!  What the hell's a Shania?  Where's my tobacco?  I love John Deere."

2.) The Country Fester:  "One day a year I take off my shirt, put on my cowboy hat, dominate the parking lot, lean back as I clench my fists and let out a nice werewolf call into the sky for no reason, funnel beers, skip the first 4 bands, and fake my way through Chesney.  Tomorrow you'll see me at a techno bar and I will not be smiling.  And I'm in college.  Also, I struggle to maintain friendships.  "

Country Fester in 20 years


3.) The True Country Fan:  "I listen to WKLB 102.5.  I like a variety of modern country music performers.  I love Chesney.  I'm glad Miranda Lambert is finally getting recognized.  I respect Darius Rucker's transition from Hootie to Honkie.  Chris Cowan has no problem with me."

4.)  The Hater:  "I HATE country music under any and all circumstances."

5.) Me:  I strongly dislike most country music.  I specifically can't stand Toby Keith, Reba (who doesn't have a last name anymore apparently), Alan Jackson, and anyone who only sings about beer and/or the culture of their one-of-a-kind hometown.  And I especially hate that song 'beer is great, God is good, and people are crazy'.  Who is Billy Currington to proclaim these things?  I for one get indigestion from beer.  Oh well.  I try to be open minded because every now and then some good music really does comes along.  For instance, Keith Urban's a hell of a guitarist.  The Band Perry had a nice little tune, and so did some others.  And to be honest, one of my favorite musicians, Ryan Adams, gets even countrier than country singers now and then.

So if you like country, you probably already know these songs.  If you hate country, you probably hate this blog entry.  If you're feeling open minded like me, give these 2 songs a try.  Overall, I just think they sound nice.  Isn't that what a good song is supposed to do after all?

These are from an up-and-comer named Kenny Chesney, or as I like to call him, Chenny Kesney.  I chose these songs partially because they don't sound very "country", which ruins my whole "open-minded" premise and I am aware of this.  I think Kenny, even though hugely successful already, is evolving into a more complete artist.  The lyrics are direct, honest, and a little deeper than "she thinks my tractor's sexy...".  The music is grander.  And frankly, the only thing that is distinctly "country" here is his unmistakable voice. Without having a ton of knowledge about him, it seems he's gone from typical country singer to country's Jimmy Buffet to who he is today-a talented guy who isn't afraid to break down walls that limit his genre to one.  He's country, I get it.  But he's creative and risky and he's earned that.  And now he has someone like me respecting his work a hell of a lot more than I used to.  And no, I will not be attending Countryfest.  I don't like country music or Kenny Chesney, remember?

*Last thing- try to listen to the songs in their entirety's. They take a few twists and turns.  Then you'll understand the "breaking down genre walls" thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVgf4xmMLzo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MR2KFYkxs0w



THE PRICE WAS RIGHT...AND NOW IT'S WRONG

I'm on February Vacation this week and I just watched a full hour of Drew Carey's Price is Right.  Before today,  I hadn't watched The Price is Right since Bob Barker was selling condoms to poodles.  Games like Plinko, Hole in One, yodelling mountain climbers (Cliff Hanger), Dice Game and more were beyond exciting.  Barker was smoother than a toilet seat, Rod Roddy was off his rocker, and it was a party-without fail, everyday.  But things have changed.  Barker and his beauties are history, Rod passed away, and so did the magic.  Here are a few thoughts on the downfall of The P.I.R.

1. Drew Carey:  Drew's not Bob.  Drew grew his hair out and he even has a soul patch.  Identity Crisis?  He fumbles over his words "let's see what the preece...price is.  Preece/price I'll get it right, it's an hour long show..." and he even does the math wrong on the big wheel: "90 cents that's gonna be tough to beat!  What?  Oh 80 cents...that's not bad either.  I never was good at math!"  He comes off like he just wants the show to end so he can find another prostitute.  He went from a highly successful sitcom star to a daytime game show host.  He's hanging on for dear life.

2. The Games:  I've already pointed out the excitement and drama of the games from Price's heyday.  But it's getting ridiculous.  The first 4 games today lasted about 20 seconds each.  They either involve "squeezing" the price together by removing a digit, or putting together a combination of numbers.  They hardly involve instructions!  I'm watching what's going to happen next and all of a sudden the sad music starts playing.  Ba Ba Ba Bow BOWWWWW.  The girl looks around like "it's over??" and Drew gives an awkward hug and tells her to meet him at the wheel.  The Price is Right used to be a circus.  Why are they limiting our fun with these boring games? 

3. The Prizes:  Who does this research?  Nobody wants to win a European wooden spoon set.  And nobody wants the grand prize of going to tropical Pittsburgh.  And an 88 year old woman from Tampa doesn't want a pair of snowmobiles.

4.  The Audience:  I guess this happened with the old Price is Right too.  But have these people ever been to a store?  When the item up for bid appears they freak out every single time.  A very basic bicycle gets rolled out and these folks look around as if they've never seen a round wheel.  They panic, begging their peers for help:  "50 dollars?  6 thousand?  I don't know!  What IS this thing?? Help!"  And then more of the same during a boring pricing game: "Milk?  what does milk cost???  I had milk when I was a kid once but my Mom bought it!  Audience, for the love of God what does MILK cost??" 
And calm down, audience.  I know the producers tell you to get riled up, but have some dignity.  You run around like you're escaping a burning building with your homemade "Official Drew Crew P.S. It's My Birthday" t-shirts and you treat the host like he's a Beatle.  You're embarrassing yourselves-and that's BEFORE your 200 dollar bid on a bag of jelly beans.

5.  Can we eliminate the 1-dollar bid rule?  If you bid last, you're at a clear advantage.  The item doesn't cost one dollar and you know it.  If I was standing next to you and you bid a dollar after my solid bid, I'd push you.  You're a cheater.

Bob Barker must be sitting at home petting his testicle-free pit bulls shaking his head in disgust.  But if Jay Leno can stay on the air, Drew Carey can too.  Sadly, there's a huge audience in America for both of these fools.

SELFISH STEVIE WONDER

Last Sunday millions of awe-struck kids, and kids-at-heart, watched the NBA All-Star Game on television.  They watched as their larger than life heroes dunked and drained 3's.  Many of them (not me) would have given anything to be at that game in Los Angeles but they don't have the necessary money, or the means to make that dream come true.  But guess who does?  Stevie Wonder.  Yes, THAT Stevie Wonder.  And it's not like Stevie wasted a seat in the upper balcony.  Stevie sat courtside.

Guy Sitting Next to Stevie: "Wow!  Stevie, did you see that dunk by Kobe??"

Stevie Wonder: "No.  But I could hear the roar of the crowd and it was simply beautiful!"

Let's be clear about one thing: this is strictly an attack on Stevie Wonder, not the less fortunate.  In fact, this is a cry for those who are in times of need.  How many kids in Children's Hospital would have done anything to be 4 feet away from some of the most famous, best athletes in the world?  They would be awe-struck.  And for some of them, it would make their final wishes and dreams come true.  But guess what?  One of those courtside dreams was occupied by a man who couldn't even see the damn game-Selfish Stevie Wonder.  What a waste! 

 Little Stevie could have enjoyed the game the same way from an a.m. radio in Alaska.  And don't tell me that he experienced it through touch and smell too.  Shake a dude's hand at the gym and cook some popcorn, there's your touch and smell.  Stevie performed that night.  Some might say he earned those seats.  Screw that.  He was paid to perform.  Take your money, get a ride home, and save the seat for someone who truly needs that magic moment. 

I can even expand on this call for the less fortunate:  If you sit courtside and you can't put down your iphone to see if anything better is going on, you shouldn't sit there.  In fact, courtside should be reserved for wide-eyed dreamers who want to see their heroes up close and personal.  BUT, if Kevin "Potty-Mouth" Garnett's playing, don't let them forget their earmuffs.

THINGS COULD BE WORSE: At Least You're Not This Cat.

How does this happen?  I have been thinking about this for hours now.  The only thing I understand about this picture is that I love it.  Stupid Cats.  What is this feline thinking???  Do other cats walk by and make fun of him?  Is he more embarrassed or scared?  What would he say to the other cats?  "Yeah, yeah, yeah I get it.  I'm stuck in the sewer.  Laugh it up assholes..."
A few other things I'm convinced cats say in their minds:

-"Feed me, you stupid human." 

-"I'm tired...again."

-"I'm going to sit on top of the fridge for absolutely no reason."

-"I'm going to kill the baby tonight."

-"I think I'll ruin some furniture."

-"I feel so unPREDICTABLE today!"

-"birds birds birds birrrrrrrrrrds birds birds.  all day I stare at birds."

-"I HATE tax season."  (just making sure you're paying attention)

-"That guy Chris looks like he's afraid of me.  Let's get him."

-"One of these days I'm going to catch that laser.  I just know it."

-"Hey master!  I brought you a gross bloody dead mouse!  You're Welcome!"

-"Leave me alone...until I'm hungry again."

And yes, this selfish cat was saved by the fire department.  Thank God.

Happy Birthday Mr. President...

With Presidents Day upon us?  I think it's only fitting that we give a shout out to some of our more important leaders.  But first, a fun fact or two about Presidents Day:

Did you know that...

•  Washington's Birthday is February 22, 1732.
• Lincoln's Birthday is February 12, 1809.
• There are two other Presidents with February birthdays.  They are William Henry Harrison (February 9, 1773)  and Ronald Reagan (February 6, 1911).
• Speaking of William Henry Harrison, he held the presidency for the shortest amount of time of any of the Presidents.  Harrison served for exactly one month!  He got sick during his inauguration.  The ceremony was held outside during a snow and freezing rain storm.  W.H.H. refused to wear the proper clothing because he felt it would symbolize weakness to the American Public.  He immediately came down with pneumonia and died soon after.  Unbelievable.  What a moron.

Will, stop trying to be such a tough guy and put on your damn coat!

• Here's a Reagan fact: He was the oldest president to ever leave office at age 77!  And ironically enough, he too died of pneumonia in 2004.
• The most popular birthday months for Presidents is October with  J Adams (1735), Hayes (1822), Arthur (1829), T Roosevelt (1858), Eisenhower (1890), and Carter (1924).
• The runner up is November with 5 birthdays but they haven't had one since Harding being born in 1865 so they better step up their game.  January and July are creeping up with 4.
•  William Taft was our fattest president weighing in at 350 pounds.  In fact, he once got stuck in the White House bathtub.  Not his finest moment as the leader of the country.
• One more thing on Taft, a lot of people claim that he is credited for the 7th inning stretch.  In the 7th inning of a Senators game, Taft stood up to stretch out his sore back.  Out of respect for the big guy, the whole crowd stood up all at once!
• And finally, Andrew Johnson and George W. Bush were our worst presidents.  More on this to come.

Happy Presidents Day Everybody!

MUSIC FOR YOU TO ENJOY: VOLUME 3 (Valentine Addition)

It's that time of year again, lovers.  It's time to treat today as if every other day you treat your partner like crap.  I think that if you are a good boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife in general, Valentine's Day shouldn't have to be that special.  Girls like the spontanaety of flowers or dinner or a card for no reason.  If we really want to wow our significant others, do something amazing on the most random of days.  Nothing says I love you like a foot rub, some wine, and her favorite meal on an unimportant Tuesday in May.  Let's work on making the relationship better every day, not just a day that suffocates us with hearts and cupids and candies every 14th of February.  And another thing, what the hell does a happy, half-naked, fat baby shooting people have to do with falling in love?  I'm sure there's a reason but I doubt it's all that logical.

With that being said (hugely overstated phrase these days, by the way), Here are a few romantic songs for you and your Valentine:


I heard this first song on Real World Las Vegas years ago.  That's how I found out about Citizen Cope who is now one of my favorite artists.  His genre is a little tough to pin down.  He does everything from acoustic rock to folk to rap to hip hop to r & b to dance to jazz.  But even though he's a little bit of everything, his sound is undeniable.  On the surface his vocal range is rather limited, but his music often makes up for it.  If you like this song, be sure to check out some others to understand what I mean.  Norah Jones+Marvin Gaye+Beck+sex= this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFJhsnFHXbU



Next we have a song by a man who I consider the best vocalist of all time, Jeff Buckley.  Buckley's story is tragic.  One more album by this guy before his death and his impact rivals that of Cobain, I just know it.  To truly appreciate his voice, check out the song "Grace".  He hits and holds notes that are unbelievable.  In fact, his voice was recognized by leading audio manufacturers to highlight the highs that the speakers were able to reach.  But this wasn't Adam Lambert.  The clarity in his voice and music was also undeniable.  This song is called "Everybody Here Wants You".  The straight-forwardness in the chorus is so relatable.  We've all had moments like this.  It makes you want to throw this song on the jukebox of a half-empty bar and stare down your prey.  The sounds in this song along with the vulrnability of the message will ensure that your night becomes at least a little interesting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4iaANGL1AA


Happy Hearts Day.

KARAOKE PASSION

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Chris singing Babe by Styx:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgGl6JNQ3rg

I realize it's not the Rihanna-based Billerica rica rica eh eh video (who IS that guy??), but I hope you appreciate the harmonies, the 80s Ross Geller/David Schwimmer keyboard playing,  

and of course-the bongos.  Was my singing perfect?  No, I was a little pitchy.    Could I have made it to Hollywood on Idol?  I like to think so. I have since expanded my karaoke repertoire to include other challenging songs.  However you will NEVER hear me singing any of the following:

Toby Keith-"I love This Bar" (not anymore!)
Bob Segar-"Old Time Rock n Roll"
Billy Joel-"Piano Man"(another reason to hate Ben Rapelburgers)
Kid Rock-"Cowboy"
John Cougar(is it cougar this week or just Mellencamp?) Mellancamp-"Jack and Diane"
Meatloaf-"Paradise by the Dashboard Light"
John Travolta and Olivia Newton John-"Summer Nights"
Journey-"Don't Stop Believing"
Neil Diamond-"Sweet Caroline"
      
Hey Neil!  Probably not a good move to wear that stupid coat while performing at Fenway.  That's where the Red Sox play.  In fact, the Brooklyn Dodgers don't play anywhere.  And you're grossly overrated as a song writer and as a vocalist.  Now go roll around in all of your money.  Thanks. 
                                         
Bonnie Raitt-"Something to Talk About"(let's talk about how terrible you just sang!)
Gloria Gaynor-"I Will Survive"  (but my ears may not!)
Garth Brooks-"Friends in Low Places" (not after choosing this song!)
Joan Jett-"I Love Rock and Roll"  In fact, these songs make me temporarily HATE rock and roll.

Don't get me wrong: I enjoy karaoke as an escape for those of us who never made it to the big stage.  But for for the love of Pete have some originality.  I'm sick of seeing 4 middle aged ladies up there belting out Black Velvet or wasting away again in Margaritaville all the time.  Turn some heads once in a while.  This is your moment.  Choose a cool tune and  be proud of who you are. We're all watching you so hug that microphone, hit a few notes we didn't think you could hit, and goddamn it for those 3 minutes, be somebody.

Words cannot explain how happy this made me.

chris and vince...he loves me.

"Never Gonna Give You Up": 2 Songs, 1 Title

"Never Gonna Give You Up" is a highly underrated song towards the end of the new Black Keys album.  The Black Keys get a lot of credit for being a great band, but a lot of times even great bands don't get credit for some of their best songs because they aren't released as singles.  This particular song is a great play when you want to kick things up a notch with your lady friend.  I think it works on many different levels.
 For instance, first date: "I've held a girl's hand before, but there's something different about you and I don't want the night to end yet." 
Or the second date: "I know we aren't exclusive, but who are we kidding?  There's something real happening here.  Take your shoes off." 
And of course, the long term relationship play: "Baby, I know work was tough, but the weekend's here and Daddy ordered pizza.  Put on your pajamas."
In other words, this is an old school/new school love song that works in any romantic situation. 

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=black+keys+never+gonna+give+you+up&aq=0

Then we have a song by the same name by the one and only Rick Astley.  My mother used to love Rick Astley.  And I, even as a young boy, couldn't stand the guy and did not understand why he was famous. His voice confused me.  But I'm sure there have been many blogs written before about how insanely awful Astley is, so I won't go off on the poor bastard.  However, if you click on this link, check out the crazy bartender.  This dude is so moved by Rick, he can't help but dancing and smiling and eventually losing all control.  It's incredibly random, but given the circumstances, it's so right.  Who is he even making drinks for?  I wonder if this guy ever did anything bigger than fake bar tend in this awful video.  Is he even alive still?  I would research this, but that would make me even less cool than him.  Either way, it's absolutely fascinating.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

Strangest Commercial Ever...

This commercial has been coming and going for well over a year now.  It is the strangest commercial.  We've all seen it...there's a thunderstorm, the lady's scared, the boyfriend laughs as he comforts her.  Then, out of nowhere, he turns into a scary serious man.  There is no smooth transition here.  I don't know if it's bad editing or what.  But I am baffled by this sudden change in emotions.  It looks like he may kill this girl.  Check out the clip and pay attention at 8 seconds.
And based on the title of the clip, I'm not alone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltA50HKyM14

Steve Burton and Jonathan Papelbon: Awkward Moments

For those that didn't see it on Facebook or hear it live, I was on The Sports Hub yesterday with Felger and Mazz.  Why did I call yesterday?  I don't even know.  I have a ton of shit going on right now.  Also, I'm a huge Pats fan as most of you know so I really have no good explanation why I called the Wednesday after a Super Bowl we weren't even in.  But something compelled me to rip on a few things that I find awkward about the Boston sports scene.  Most notably, Steve Burton's smile as he looks into the camera right before a commercial.  Except they don't cut to commercial right away and we are stuck staring at our televisions as Burton's tiny afro and infomercial smile burn our eyes out.  "After the break, Tully Banta-Cain breaks it all down for us, right here, on Sports Final."  And he smiles........and smiles.......and makes us scramble for the remote.

horrific.

The other awkward Boston Sports Moment that drives me crazy is the ceremonial and always intimidating Papelbon entrance music.  He's not Mariano Rivera.  He's not Trevor Hoffman.  These guys earned there theme songs.  But when the Dropkick Murphys start playing at Fenway, it's almost like the other team's like "maybe this thing's NOT over, Papelbon's coming in!!  Let's score some runs!" 
So sometimes he gets the save, and sometimes he doesn't.  But man, do I feel awkward after 38,000 Sox fans are rhythmically clapping and singing "shippin up to Boston whoaaa" and then after 2 mean-faced mediocre Papelbon fastballs, we're losing.  Hey at least we had a nice little sing-along there in between innings.  My question is this:  If Papelbon sucks for the first 2 months, do they still play it?  What if Jenks or Bard takes over the closer role?  Do we go all Dropkick in the sixth when Pap comes in?  Stop the madness!

ship him out of Boston whoahhhhh!

MUSIC FOR YOU TO ENJOY: VOL 2

Hello Friends,  here is the second entry to the incredibly well-received "Music For You to Enjoy" section of the blog.

To me, the following two songs carry a similar message.  They sort of convey a view of escapism.  The first song confesses "I keep holding on...waiting for the sun.  I keep holding on...waiting for the light...".  I think that towards the latter half of this winter, we all can't wait for spring.  Whether it's the Red Sox, or just the mild weather in general, the literal message of the chorus definitely applies.  Though these same lyrics can carry a deeper introspective message that screams of "keeping the faith and waiting for better days".  Either way, I think this song is great and the chorus is one that may stay in your head all day.  Without further nonsense, I give you The Shore-Waiting for the Sun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrBRLkiPM64


The next song is by Thriving Ivory. You may know this song.  But if you don't, you should.  "Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.  If I can't see the sun, then maybe I should go.  Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming...of angels on the moon..."  Without hearing the music that accompanies these lyrics, it might appear sorrowful.  But the song has a sweeping, epic, uplifting style about it.   This kid's voice is unlike most.  If you heard one of your friend's trying to sing like this, you'd probably tell him it sounds awful.  But this guy has such a unique sound and it meshes perfectly with the music.  Hope you like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWcXuu16ttc

WHAT TO DO IN FEBRUARY: PART 2

I will say this about a miserable winter: it gives me reason to get things done for work.  Feeling productive is always a good thing.  But being productive for work is only so exciting.  The mind tends to wander.  I think about palm trees and golf and grass and other fun things I haven't experienced in a long time.  Here are some other crazy and not so crazy things to try and/or think about in the dead of winter:

-play racquetball- Great workout, but somewhat dangerous.  If you aren't that good yet, there's a chance you could get smashed in the skull by your opponent's racquet. And there's always a decent shot of a rubber ball rocketing into one of yours.

-Cook- I'm trying to become a good cook on the grill.  I cook homemade burgers, steak tips, chicken, sausages, and even salmon on the grill.  But in case you didn't know, the grill is outside.  I am very intimidated by the oven/stove combination and to be honest, I didn't know which was which until very recently.

-Go to the Gym- I don't like the gym.  I love being active but I only enjoy sports that involves throwing, catching, or kicking a ball.  Solution?  I purchased the Perfect Sit Up machine.  I like it and I do find it easy to use, but my God is this thing awkward looking.  If it didn't say Perfect Sit Up in huge letters, you would think it was a contraption from a Swedish Porno-not that I watch Swedish Porn.

-Here's an idea I heard on Felger and Mazz:  Push the NFL season back by one month.  When the NFL kicks off, it's usually the first or second Sunday in September.  For a lot of people, this is still the summer.  We aren't as dependent on football yet.  We can go in the pool, go to the beach, go to a cookout, and do a number of outdoor things.  If the season started towards the end of September, the Super Bowl wouldn't be until the week before President's Day.  How great would it be to know that today (February 8th), we still had a big game to look forward to?  Any true football fan would enjoy this.

-Buy a Car- President's Day sales are here because people are antcy, they've been in hibernation, and they want to DO something.  Why not buy a car?  The new car smell alone will make you think you're in a rental vehicle in a warmer climate.

-Play Pool With Some Friends- I don't have a joke or an interesting comment here.  I just think it's a good idea.

-Have a Baby-I realize you have to plan ahead on this one for the kid to actually come out in February.  My wife's parents had her in February  and that turned out pretty nice.  So I get to buy her presents and give her a special day one week after Valentine's Day.  Speaking of Valentine's Day: it's stupid.

Anybody have any better ideas?

WHAT TO DO IN FEBRUARY: Part 1

If you are reading this blog entry from New England, you get it.  It's freezing.  It's so cold that  you don't even want to wake up, or change out of your pajamas, or sit on a toilet, or take a shower, or get in your car and actually move enough to put on your seat belt.  I don't have to sit here and tell you that there's a lot of snow out there, but just look at it.  It's not going anywhere.  It's black and dirty.  Those shitty chunks that fall out of the wheel wells and undercarriages of vehicles are all over the road.  And speaking of roads, it's like car-slalom out there with these potholes.  And can you hear that noise in the distance that sounds like a bomb about to drop?  That's the resale value of our salt-covered vehicles plummeting due to this winter wear and tear.  But I'm being hypocritical because I'm sick of people talking about snow.  It's like going to a stranger for your haircut in the middle of a heatwave and having them say "hot enough for ya??"  I've always hated that.  I've had the same barber for years so I don't have this problem, but whenever I hear the obligatory weather convo starter at the barber shop, my toes crinkle up and I cough awkwardly. 
OK,  I've said my piece about the snow.  It's here.  It sucks.  I don't ski.  I don't skate.  And I'm too old to sled.  And this is the worst time of year for sports.  It's no coincidence that Sports Illustrated puts out the swimsuit issue in February.  The Super Bowl is over and March Madness is in, well...March.  So what's a young man like myself supposed to do besides pretend like I care about American Idol?  I have a few ideas...stay tuned...

THE SUPER BOWL: SECOND ONLY TO CHRISTMAS?

I've always felt that an accurate way to define American society was through the celebration of holidays.  We can learn so much about religion, economy, tradition, entertainment, values, and other sociological identifiers by stepping back, observing, and comparing holidays over time.  It is my contention that Super Bowl Sunday has turned into perhaps the second most popular holiday in America, trailing only Christmas. 
If we look at the sheer amount of human beings that somehow celebrate the Super Bowl (and by celebrating, all I mean is being aware and contributing to the event-which in this case involves turning on your television and acknowledging the festivities), the volume that contributes to this day on an American, and even global scale, beats out holidays like Easter, Independence Day, New Year's Eve, and other lesser recognized holidays easily.  You're questioning Easter?  Well, if you don't have children under age 9 the Bunny doesn't apply to you.  And oh by the way if you aren't very religious and/or you don't have a lot of family, then Easter Sunday becomes just another day. 
This brings us to Thanksgiving.  If you look at the factors that make up the magnitude of a big holiday, several apply to Turkey Day.  First, religion doesn't limit the number of folks who celebrate Thanksgiving.  Next we look at economy.  It can be argued that between the jam packed grocery stores leading up to Thanksgiving AND the ultra-famous Black Friday combined allow this holiday to rival Christmas in terms of spending.  Here's where Thanksgiving takes a hit:  it is strictly an American holiday.  Even those in Canada don't technically celebrate it.  So while Thanksgiving probably slightly overpowers the Super Bowl in our country, on a global level it's not even close.  You want proof?  check out how many countries broadcast the Super Bowl.  The worldwide television ratings alone show us that the Super Bowl impacts more people than Thanksgiving.  It's not even close from this aspect.
Admittedly, Christmas is King.  Yes, it is predominantly a Christian holiday.  But the gift giving, the Santa Claus, the songs, the LEGNTH of the season, and the collective world wide celebration in one way or another is untouchable.  So let's not even go here.
This brings us to the Super Bowl again.  Let's look at our major factors:  Religion does not apply so it doesn't limit any particular participant.  The economy is hugely impacted.  Food, liquor, Vegas, the COMMERCIALS, and other spending is off the charts.  Tradition definitely applies.  Yes it has evolved into so much more than a game, but the tradition of football, Sunday, et cetera has not changed.  I can't see a lot in the way of values.  Maybe some people watch it with family I guess, but other holidays trump the Super Bowl here. 
My point here is this:  The popularity of the NFL is at an all time high.  The impact on our American society/economy alone is beyond enormous.  And the Super Bowl, an unofficial holiday, has turned itself into something second only to the birth of Jesus Christ.  And there might not be a season next year due to a labor dispute between owners and players.  Billionaires versus millionaires.  Our struggling economy would take a hit that it cannot withstand right now.  Middle to lower class America needs the NFL and its grand finale-Super Bowl Sunday.
Here's hoping that if Arlen Specter (a senior senator from Pennsylvania in the Federal Government) can get involved for "Spygate", I hope that the most powerful country in the world can step up and make sure we have football next year too.

MUSIC FOR YOU TO ENJOY: VOL. 1

These are some songs that I really like that are not on the radio.  Most of us live in a technologically dependent world now so it's fairly easy to access millions of songs.  With itunes, Rhapsody, myspace, Pandora, and more, we are constantly exposed to new music from lesser known artists.  TV soundtracks have also grown increasingly popular.  When I was younger, I enjoyed listening to radio late at night, searching Napster, MTV.com or other obscure websites to track down new music.  I learned that the majority of great music out there never even makes it to radio.  It was up to us to discover it as true music fans.  Like I said, in today's day and age, it's easier to hear more music-which is great.  But still, there is so much out there that is yet to be enjoyed by most of us.  Here are a few youtube links to songs and artists that I really like. 

This is a track from Jon Foreman.  Jon's the lead singer of the band Switchfoot.  This song, "The Cure For Pain", shows a different side of the frontman.  This acoustic song contains heartfelt lyrics while incorporating subtle horns and background vocals that really add to the sound.  It's a true departure from the Switchfoot singles most people know from the radio.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M-_sZIh2cQ


This next song is by an artist named Ari Hest.  I first heard Ari back in one of those headphone listening booths in the old Tower Records in Burlington.  He has a very cool, unique voice and his writing is very creative.  He has grown with every album he has released and he's also a great live performer.  This particular track, I've always felt, would be great as the soundtrack to an important scene in a psycholigical thriller.  What I like about Ari is that almost every song has its own identity.  Notice the production in this sound.  His vocals start off recorded with a distinctly low-fi sound and the song eventually evolves into a clear multi-instrumental, harmony-filled gem.  (sidenote:  this is the best sounding version I could find on youtube.  don't blame me OR Ari Hest for the creepy anime cartoon figures on top of each other.  thanks.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_gzUbmHKjc

If you don't like these two songs, fear not.  Keep an open mind and I will post more in the future.

Live Like You Were Living

Live Like You Were Dying is a crazy thing to say.

It's what Tim McGraw said after Tug passed away.

Laughing, loving, splashing in the waves,

like Ben Franklin said, let's sleep when we get to our graves.

If I lived like I was dying I know I'd be sad.

I'd be stuck reminiscing about all the good times I had.

"Live Forever" is what I like to pretend.

For those that I love I don't picture the end.

Live like you were living and  take away the pain.

If we worry about the bad things there's nothing left to gain.

I'm not sure I'd be ok if I lived like I was dying.

I just think I'd sit in my room and do a lof of crying.

Kiss your wife and hug your kids and give your dog a bone.

Cherish your friends and all those around you and never be alone.

Make every day count and do the little things right.

And even if it doesn't snow, may all your Christmases be white.

Sing your favorite song in a karaoke bar.

Roll the windows down and smile in your car.

Be sure to take in sunsets.  Always enjoy the views.

And if you still read the paper, search for some good news.

There are more than a million things we can do to make us smile.

So make a difference in this world, enjoy yourself, and stay here for a while.

Thoughts I Had While Snow Blowing...

I think it would be fun to have a tv show with a caucasian man and and an Asian man.  They would constantly have moral dilemmas to deal with and they would also be debate team rivals.  The name of this show would be called "White Against Wong".  Or, "Knowing White from Wong".  Or we could completely change the concept of the show and make it about a Chinese woman who has the hots for a white guy but they are stuck in "best friend mode".  In this case we could call the show "If Loving You is White, I Don't Wanna be Wong".  Or maybe not.

If someone says "off the record..." before the next sentence, does that mean they can say anything they want and it's ok?  Like, "off the record...I killed a guy."  Where do we draw the line here?

SEVERELY OVERRATED FAMOUS PEOPLE

I'd like to discuss a few people that I feel get free passes in life, mostly in terms of their professions.  For most of us, these are less than ideal economic times.  These are the days when I get especially angry at those who make a shit load of money for not doing a whole lot.  Not only do they not do a whole lot, but they're pretty much admired.  It drives me crazy.  I may even expand on this topic in later blogs as more dickheads come to mind.

Andy Richter:
Andy is Conan O'Brien's sidekick.  He's not even the announcer (like Ed Mcmahon was for Johnny), he doesn't do too much during Conan's monologue, and he's not even on camera when Conan's interviewing a guest.  I'm sure he writes jokes and contributes to skits and things like that, but I'm pretty sure he makes a shit ton of money to basically just laugh at Conan and talk when he feels like it.  Who could not do this??  I admit, I used to like Andy.  I thought he was a nice touch on the old show.  Then Andy left to pursue his own acting career, failed in two sitcoms, and had a few small parts in movies (children's book writer in Elf).  Then Andy boomeranged back to Conan after failing on his own and now he can relax again.  Guaranteed he's making at least 250,000 dollars. 

Guy Fieri:
Or as he calls himself "Guy Fee-eddy".  I have to be clear on this one: Guy is a world-class chef so I am in no way attacking his cooking skills.  Basically, I'm jealous of this guy.  On "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" (which I love by the way) this GUY (haha) gets to tour the country in search of really awesome foods at really cool restaurants.  He literally goes into the kitchen where the chef tells him how to make the featured food.  Every episode-without fail, Guy will dip his finger into the dish while it's being made, list off the ingredients to sound smart, stare at the camera as if to tell us "This guy's CRAZY!  He just put STRAWBERRIES in the MEATLOAF!  No WAY this is gonna taste good!" then sure enough it's the craziest, best meatloaf he's ever tried.  Every goddamn time.  Every episode's the same, just with different food.  I don't hate Guy.  I just think that most food loving people could go on vacation, try food, and enjoy doing it. 

Randy Jackson:
Of all of the judges that have ever been on American Idol, how is this the only person still on the show??  Is it because he's black?  Paula was sort of black and she's gone.  The contestants don't care what he says.  They never did.  Let's be clear: Simon was the king.  But even the other crappy judges said something quotable once in a while.  Randy we get it:  you say dawg and yo a lot.  And you often call women dudes.  That's his shtick...genius.  And don't tell me that he's more than that because he played guitar in Journey for a while and also produces some songs.  Randy would be absolutely nothing without this show.  He would play a shitty guitar and gain 200 pounds again.  By the way he  makes over a million dollars.  This one really stings me and hopefully the rest of middle class America.

Tambourine Players:
I've always been enamored that they let these people be part of the band.  And it's always the same thing at the concert.  This guy proves to the audience that he's so much more than just a tambourine shaker.  "Wow the tambourine guy just picked up the woodblock!  Don't even tell me he knows how to hit a bongo during a slow song...he's so versataile!"

Ben Roethlesberger:
And if I spelled his name wrong, I did it because I want to disrespect him.  How is he in the discussion of all time greats?  Stop counting rings and look at his defenses, his running games, his offensive lines, his receivers, his attempts per game, his qb ratings, his Super Bowl numbers, his face, and his rape charges. If Trent Dilfer had a better offense around him in Baltimore, apparently he's an all time great too.

Goo Goo Dolls, John Mellancamp, Tina Turner, modern-day Bob Dylan, and others.  I just don't understand the fascination.

The Bookface: Status Issues

I hate how on Facebook people say the most obvious things in the world.  Things that lack any original thought, information, or entertainment make me wonder why the people type the things they type.
These typically fall into categories like days of the week, weather, physical condition, or a meaningless activity.  Here are a few that bother me:

"I HATE Mondays"
Oh really??  I thought you LOVED Mondays!  Thanks to your status update, I know that's not the case now.

"Fridayyyyyyyyyyy beer time and party time woo yeah!"
Why the extension on words that involve excitement?  Just let the exclamation point do its job. And again, it's Friday all over the world.  You're not solving any days-of-the-week mysteries here.

"Seriously? More Snow???"
Yes.  More snow.  You already know and so do I.  Why do you have to type this?  It's not like it's warm and sunny where I am and your little house is getting rocked by an extremely isolated blizzard.  We're in this together so just relax.

"My head is killing me."
Why do people always say this?  Why can't these same Negative Nancys tell us when they feel fine?  If they're going to bitch about a pounding skull then I'd like these same folks to bring some positivity every now and then like "boy does my head feel nice today!"  Even things out a bit.

"Ice Cream and jumping jacks then bed."
Not only is this a horrible way to spend the latter part of your evening, it's also completely irrelevant to anyone who doesn't live in your house.  If this is the stuff you find important and news worthy in your life then that sucks for you.  I'd want to hear something like "my baby just said Dad for the first time, I saw a bear in my back yard, and my nephew got into Harvard.  Now I'm going to bed."  Now THAT'S a status update!

JEANS AREN'T JUST JEANS ANYMORE

I'm amazed at the things that consume my life.  I have a job.  I have a home.  I'm 30.  I have a woman.  I have a lot of adult-ish things that need to be done.  Yet here I am completely stressed out about the length of my jeans.  For a few years now, I have worn 34W 30L jeans and I always felt pretty right in those sizes.  But since about Christmas, the 30L isn't doing it.  My socks are constantly exposed and I feel like a damn fool.  Did I grow since the holidays?  I'm 30 years old so I doubt that's the case.  But something happened and it's taking over who I am.  Denim owns my soul!
So today I worked up the courage to convince myself to buy some big boy pants-a.k.a. 34W 32L!  YAY CHRIS!  I spent the majority of the short New England daylight in 2 Express for Men stores and 2 Banana Republics.  I find myself trying to act extra masculine and extra straight when I browse around in these stores.  Am I stereotyping? Yes, unfortunately.  But here's the thing:  I like gay people of all sorts.  And frankly, I wouldn't really care if other shoppers in these stores thought me gay either.  So now that I've established that, I really don't have a good reason why I try to appear non-gay in these stores.  In one of the stores, a small man briskly walked up to me with a scarf on and a telemarketer's headset and emphatically told me about the 2 for one jeans sale.  He asked me if I needed help and I said "nah...I'm good" like a linebacker.  I'm an idiot.
Anyhow, I tried on a few pairs of jeans and I finally pulled the trigger on Express's Kingston loose fit boot cut easy rise ball hug dark wash sand blast denim fade style.  Or, as I like to call them, the comfortable navy blue jeans that hid all of my socks.  I returned home at nightfall and I was tired.  I was completely worn out by an unproductive Saturday that only led to me buying pants that hide my socks.  I promise that future blogs will involve production and excitement.  I also hate ladies that drive and walk in malls without truly thinking about those around them.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm the asshole.  Maybe you can decide after you read more of my blogs.  Maybe you'll realize that, if you find yourself thinking some of the things that I think, we're both assholes.  Hopefully the people I write about are the assholes and you and me are smart, thoughtful, cool people who just finally found a nice medium to bitch about things that we don't like.