I'd like to discuss a few people that I feel get free passes in life, mostly in terms of their professions. For most of us, these are less than ideal economic times. These are the days when I get especially angry at those who make a shit load of money for not doing a whole lot. Not only do they not do a whole lot, but they're pretty much admired. It drives me crazy. I may even expand on this topic in later blogs as more dickheads come to mind.
Andy Richter:
Andy is Conan O'Brien's sidekick. He's not even the announcer (like Ed Mcmahon was for Johnny), he doesn't do too much during Conan's monologue, and he's not even on camera when Conan's interviewing a guest. I'm sure he writes jokes and contributes to skits and things like that, but I'm pretty sure he makes a shit ton of money to basically just laugh at Conan and talk when he feels like it. Who could not do this?? I admit, I used to like Andy. I thought he was a nice touch on the old show. Then Andy left to pursue his own acting career, failed in two sitcoms, and had a few small parts in movies (children's book writer in Elf). Then Andy boomeranged back to Conan after failing on his own and now he can relax again. Guaranteed he's making at least 250,000 dollars.
Guy Fieri:
Or as he calls himself "Guy Fee-eddy". I have to be clear on this one: Guy is a world-class chef so I am in no way attacking his cooking skills. Basically, I'm jealous of this guy. On "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" (which I love by the way) this GUY (haha) gets to tour the country in search of really awesome foods at really cool restaurants. He literally goes into the kitchen where the chef tells him how to make the featured food. Every episode-without fail, Guy will dip his finger into the dish while it's being made, list off the ingredients to sound smart, stare at the camera as if to tell us "This guy's CRAZY! He just put STRAWBERRIES in the MEATLOAF! No WAY this is gonna taste good!" then sure enough it's the craziest, best meatloaf he's ever tried. Every goddamn time. Every episode's the same, just with different food. I don't hate Guy. I just think that most food loving people could go on vacation, try food, and enjoy doing it.
Randy Jackson:
Of all of the judges that have ever been on American Idol, how is this the only person still on the show?? Is it because he's black? Paula was sort of black and she's gone. The contestants don't care what he says. They never did. Let's be clear: Simon was the king. But even the other crappy judges said something quotable once in a while. Randy we get it: you say dawg and yo a lot. And you often call women dudes. That's his shtick...genius. And don't tell me that he's more than that because he played guitar in Journey for a while and also produces some songs. Randy would be absolutely nothing without this show. He would play a shitty guitar and gain 200 pounds again. By the way he makes over a million dollars. This one really stings me and hopefully the rest of middle class America.
Tambourine Players:
I've always been enamored that they let these people be part of the band. And it's always the same thing at the concert. This guy proves to the audience that he's so much more than just a tambourine shaker. "Wow the tambourine guy just picked up the woodblock! Don't even tell me he knows how to hit a bongo during a slow song...he's so versataile!"
Ben Roethlesberger:
And if I spelled his name wrong, I did it because I want to disrespect him. How is he in the discussion of all time greats? Stop counting rings and look at his defenses, his running games, his offensive lines, his receivers, his attempts per game, his qb ratings, his Super Bowl numbers, his face, and his rape charges. If Trent Dilfer had a better offense around him in Baltimore, apparently he's an all time great too.
Goo Goo Dolls, John Mellancamp, Tina Turner, modern-day Bob Dylan, and others. I just don't understand the fascination.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Bookface: Status Issues
I hate how on Facebook people say the most obvious things in the world. Things that lack any original thought, information, or entertainment make me wonder why the people type the things they type.
These typically fall into categories like days of the week, weather, physical condition, or a meaningless activity. Here are a few that bother me:
"I HATE Mondays"
Oh really?? I thought you LOVED Mondays! Thanks to your status update, I know that's not the case now.
"Fridayyyyyyyyyyy beer time and party time woo yeah!"
Why the extension on words that involve excitement? Just let the exclamation point do its job. And again, it's Friday all over the world. You're not solving any days-of-the-week mysteries here.
"Seriously? More Snow???"
Yes. More snow. You already know and so do I. Why do you have to type this? It's not like it's warm and sunny where I am and your little house is getting rocked by an extremely isolated blizzard. We're in this together so just relax.
"My head is killing me."
Why do people always say this? Why can't these same Negative Nancys tell us when they feel fine? If they're going to bitch about a pounding skull then I'd like these same folks to bring some positivity every now and then like "boy does my head feel nice today!" Even things out a bit.
"Ice Cream and jumping jacks then bed."
Not only is this a horrible way to spend the latter part of your evening, it's also completely irrelevant to anyone who doesn't live in your house. If this is the stuff you find important and news worthy in your life then that sucks for you. I'd want to hear something like "my baby just said Dad for the first time, I saw a bear in my back yard, and my nephew got into Harvard. Now I'm going to bed." Now THAT'S a status update!
These typically fall into categories like days of the week, weather, physical condition, or a meaningless activity. Here are a few that bother me:
"I HATE Mondays"
Oh really?? I thought you LOVED Mondays! Thanks to your status update, I know that's not the case now.
"Fridayyyyyyyyyyy beer time and party time woo yeah!"
Why the extension on words that involve excitement? Just let the exclamation point do its job. And again, it's Friday all over the world. You're not solving any days-of-the-week mysteries here.
"Seriously? More Snow???"
Yes. More snow. You already know and so do I. Why do you have to type this? It's not like it's warm and sunny where I am and your little house is getting rocked by an extremely isolated blizzard. We're in this together so just relax.
"My head is killing me."
Why do people always say this? Why can't these same Negative Nancys tell us when they feel fine? If they're going to bitch about a pounding skull then I'd like these same folks to bring some positivity every now and then like "boy does my head feel nice today!" Even things out a bit.
"Ice Cream and jumping jacks then bed."
Not only is this a horrible way to spend the latter part of your evening, it's also completely irrelevant to anyone who doesn't live in your house. If this is the stuff you find important and news worthy in your life then that sucks for you. I'd want to hear something like "my baby just said Dad for the first time, I saw a bear in my back yard, and my nephew got into Harvard. Now I'm going to bed." Now THAT'S a status update!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
JEANS AREN'T JUST JEANS ANYMORE
I'm amazed at the things that consume my life. I have a job. I have a home. I'm 30. I have a woman. I have a lot of adult-ish things that need to be done. Yet here I am completely stressed out about the length of my jeans. For a few years now, I have worn 34W 30L jeans and I always felt pretty right in those sizes. But since about Christmas, the 30L isn't doing it. My socks are constantly exposed and I feel like a damn fool. Did I grow since the holidays? I'm 30 years old so I doubt that's the case. But something happened and it's taking over who I am. Denim owns my soul!
So today I worked up the courage to convince myself to buy some big boy pants-a.k.a. 34W 32L! YAY CHRIS! I spent the majority of the short New England daylight in 2 Express for Men stores and 2 Banana Republics. I find myself trying to act extra masculine and extra straight when I browse around in these stores. Am I stereotyping? Yes, unfortunately. But here's the thing: I like gay people of all sorts. And frankly, I wouldn't really care if other shoppers in these stores thought me gay either. So now that I've established that, I really don't have a good reason why I try to appear non-gay in these stores. In one of the stores, a small man briskly walked up to me with a scarf on and a telemarketer's headset and emphatically told me about the 2 for one jeans sale. He asked me if I needed help and I said "nah...I'm good" like a linebacker. I'm an idiot.
Anyhow, I tried on a few pairs of jeans and I finally pulled the trigger on Express's Kingston loose fit boot cut easy rise ball hug dark wash sand blast denim fade style. Or, as I like to call them, the comfortable navy blue jeans that hid all of my socks. I returned home at nightfall and I was tired. I was completely worn out by an unproductive Saturday that only led to me buying pants that hide my socks. I promise that future blogs will involve production and excitement. I also hate ladies that drive and walk in malls without truly thinking about those around them. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the asshole. Maybe you can decide after you read more of my blogs. Maybe you'll realize that, if you find yourself thinking some of the things that I think, we're both assholes. Hopefully the people I write about are the assholes and you and me are smart, thoughtful, cool people who just finally found a nice medium to bitch about things that we don't like.
So today I worked up the courage to convince myself to buy some big boy pants-a.k.a. 34W 32L! YAY CHRIS! I spent the majority of the short New England daylight in 2 Express for Men stores and 2 Banana Republics. I find myself trying to act extra masculine and extra straight when I browse around in these stores. Am I stereotyping? Yes, unfortunately. But here's the thing: I like gay people of all sorts. And frankly, I wouldn't really care if other shoppers in these stores thought me gay either. So now that I've established that, I really don't have a good reason why I try to appear non-gay in these stores. In one of the stores, a small man briskly walked up to me with a scarf on and a telemarketer's headset and emphatically told me about the 2 for one jeans sale. He asked me if I needed help and I said "nah...I'm good" like a linebacker. I'm an idiot.
Anyhow, I tried on a few pairs of jeans and I finally pulled the trigger on Express's Kingston loose fit boot cut easy rise ball hug dark wash sand blast denim fade style. Or, as I like to call them, the comfortable navy blue jeans that hid all of my socks. I returned home at nightfall and I was tired. I was completely worn out by an unproductive Saturday that only led to me buying pants that hide my socks. I promise that future blogs will involve production and excitement. I also hate ladies that drive and walk in malls without truly thinking about those around them. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the asshole. Maybe you can decide after you read more of my blogs. Maybe you'll realize that, if you find yourself thinking some of the things that I think, we're both assholes. Hopefully the people I write about are the assholes and you and me are smart, thoughtful, cool people who just finally found a nice medium to bitch about things that we don't like.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)